If you experience repetitive behaviors that need to change, reparenting may help. In a therapy setting, reparenting occurs when the therapist takes on the role of a surrogate parent for their client. Yet, you can engage in reparenting outside of the therapeutic space by following these 6 steps.

1)    Identify a problem behavior

What’s a behavior that you would like to change? Try to narrow it down to one behavior. Eating unhealthy foods, staying up late to play video games or watch movies, avoiding exercise, procrastinating, or avoiding doctors could be a few examples of behaviors. For this blog, we’ll focus on the behavior of eating unhealthy foods. I will share a real example of a former client of mine, Ruth, who struggled with her diet and engaged in self-reparenting to address this behavior.

“I eat fast food every day, about 1-2 times a day,” Ruth reported. “I grab meals on the way to work and on my way home. It’s so easy. I don’t need to cook or prepare anything. I have snacks at work and at home that I eat between meals. These snacks are usually really unhealthy. My doctor told me that my health is at risk, so I need to change my diet now.”

2)    Find Your Inner Child

Now that you’ve chosen one problem behavior, you need to find the inner child who is expressing this behavior to try to meet a need. Ask yourself these questions:

• How long have you been expressing this behavior?/How old were you when you started?
• Why did you start this behavior?
• Why do you continue this behavior today?
• When you express this behavior today, how old do you feel?

The answer to these questions could give you an idea of the age of this child.

“I’ve been eating fast food and unhealthy snacks regularly since I was 10 years old,” Ruth answered. “My parents would bring home fast food for dinner every night, and I would eat snacks whenever I wanted. I started because that’s all that I had to eat and I continued because I didn’t know any different. When I eat these foods today, I feel like I’m not really giving it much thought. I feel impulsive. It feels like I’m young because I have that feeling like I don’t know what to do. I’d say I feel about 10-12 years old.”

3. Imagine Your Inner Child

We all have inner children. They exist today as emotions, memories, and personality traits. Try to imagine what you’re inner child looks like at the age that you have identified. Ask yourself these questions:

• What do they sound like?
• What do they act like?
• What are they wearing?
• What environment do you see them in?
• What are their interests and passions?

If you need inspiration look at pictures or videos of yourself at that age. You can also ask those who knew you what they remember about you.

“My inner child wears oversized t-shirts, sweatpants, scrunchies in her hair, and white sneakers,” laughed Ruth. She’s friendly and she’s always singing because she loves music. She’s got a lot of opinions about music. I see her in her room playing cassette tapes and dancing.”

4. Connect with your inner child

Children more likely to work with you if they experience a genuine and safe connection with you and inner children are no different. If you want to change a behavior by meeting the needs of your inner child, you need to first align with this child. Safe, respectful, and caring interactions with your inner child can create this alignment. Try to connect with them on their level.

“I talked to her about music,” Ruth explained. “I know that I couldn’t jump right into talking about her diet because she needs to get to know me first, the adult me. So, I shared my music with her. She didn’t like it, and I accepted her opinions and recommendations. The l encouraged her to share her music with me, which she did and I showed her that I was interested.”

5. Express curiosity to identify your inner child’s needs

There are valid reasons why your inner child is expressing this problem behavior. Usually, it’s because they are trying to meet a need. Try not to shame or blame your inner child. They are not intentionally trying to harm you. Children who scream or cry are not trying to harm you, they are simply trying to get their needs met. Here are a few common needs of inner children:

●      Safety/Protection

●      Basic Needs (Food, Water, Clothing, Shelter)

●      Love/Acceptance/Relationships/Attention/Belonging

●      Self-Worth/Self Esteem/Praise/Encouragement/Validation

●      Life Skills/Adulting Techniques/A Mentor

To discover your inner child’s unmet needs, try expressing curiosity by asking them questions. 

“I asked her a few questions and tried not to sound judgmental,” reported Ruth. “I asked, I noticed that you eat a lot of fast food, what do you like the most about fast food? Why do you eat so much fast food? What do you think about cooking or preparing food? What would it be like if you couldn’t eat fast food?’ I discovered that this 10-12-year-old child is still eating what was put in front of her. She doesn’t understand that it’s not healthy and she hasn’t had anyone teach her how to eat healthy. She doesn’t know how to cook. She doesn’t know what healthy food she likes because she hasn’t had the opportunity to try them. She needs a mentor to teach her to cook and expose her to different healthy foods and snacks to find out what she likes to eat.”

6. Meet Your Inner Child’s Needs

Now that you know what your inner child needs do your best to provide these needs so that you can change your problem behavior. When meeting these needs, do your best to avoid lecturing, passing judgment, or shaming your inner child. Instead, provide patience and compassion as these changes are new. You and your inner child are going to experience a transitional period that can cause feelings of discomfort.  

“I tried not to scold her for eating fast food because she honestly doesn’t know any better,” Ruth reflected. “Instead, I took a cooking class and we learned to cook together. Then, we started cooking at home while listening to her music so that she found it more appealing. I also asked my friends for suggestions for healthy meals and snacks that would meet my busy schedule. I gave her the opportunity to try different healthy foods and let me know what she liked and didn’t not like. I also made sure not to punish her or shame her when she ordered the occasional fast food when she was stressed or having a bad day.”

Ruth reported that after months of self-parenting her eating habits improved. Could self-parenting work for you? You never know until you give it a try.



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