While researching my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive, I asked over 50 mental health clinicians to define forgiveness, and I received 50 different definitions. This isn’t surprising, as there is no single, agreed-upon definition of forgiveness in psychology, and even forgiveness researchers do not use the same definition. This creates confusion in psychotherapy as clinicians may recommend that clients forgive without knowing what it is they are recommending.
Have you recommended forgiveness to others? If so, do you know how you’re defining it? Are you sure that your definition is as accurate as it can be?
Before advocating for forgiveness, you first need to define it.
Forgiveness is not…
To define forgiveness, it’s best to start with what it isn’t, as researchers tend to agree more on what forgiveness is not. A review of the literature states that forgiveness is not any of the following:
Forgetting
Forgiveness requires memory, as one must have some awareness of the harm being forgiven and a right to retain that memory going forward, regardless of whether they forgive. The cliché phrase “forgive and forget” is unrealistic, as it implies that one who forgives will have no memory of the harm or should have none. Forgiveness does not create amnesia.
Excusing
Forgiveness requires one or more responsible agents, and if there is no accountable agent, there is no one to forgive. Excusing occurs when one minimizes, dismisses, or altogether negates an offender’s responsibility or blameworthiness for an offense they have committed by attributing it to factors or circumstances beyond their knowledge or control.
Justifying
Forgiveness requires that a wrong be committed. There are circumstances when an offender’s actions may be justified: though such actions may involve inflicting some harm, they are not considered wrong. If an act is justified, no wrong has been committed, so there is nothing to forgive.
Premature
Forgiveness is a process that can take anywhere from hours to a lifetime. Premature forgiveness occurs when you forgive without fully engaging in the emotional processes necessary for authentic forgiveness.
A Trauma Response
Genuine forgiveness requires safety. A trauma response, such as fawning or people pleasing, occurs to promote survivors’ safety or help them cope with overwhelming thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. While fawning, you may verbalize forgiveness to your offender to protect yourself or cope, but this is not authentic forgiveness.
Reconciliation
Forgiveness and reconciliation are often linked; however, forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation, which occurs when two or more people restore a relationship after harm has been done. This restoration can be loving, friendly, amicable, polite, or civil, treating someone as you would a stranger. You may come to forgive and reconcile with your offender, and you may also forgive without reconciliation.
Acceptance
Those who forgive experience acceptance. However, those who experience acceptance do not automatically experience forgiveness. Acceptance is acknowledging the reality of a situation, state, or process without trying to revise or resist it.
What is forgiveness?
Since there is no single, agreed-upon definition of forgiveness in psychology, we must use a working definition. Based on research studies, academic analysis, and treatment theories, I have pieced together the most commonly asserted aspects of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a decision to open oneself to, or cultivate a certain level of receptiveness to, an emotional process that results in a reduction in negative emotions, thoughts, and behavioral dispositions toward the offender(s) and an increase in positive thoughts, emotions, and behavioral dispositions toward the offender(s), all of which lie on a continuum. Forgiveness is typically an unconditional gesture, which can involve conditions when necessary.
Without a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not, you risk offering guidance that may confuse or even harm others. By first defining forgiveness in concrete terms, you can ensure that you and the forgiver are aware of what you are recommending.
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References
Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association.
Freedman, S. R., & Clark-Zarifkar, J. (2016). Forgiveness after interpersonal trauma: A comparison of clinical and community samples. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 72(1).
Gregory, A. (2025). You don’t need to forgive: Trauma recovery on your own terms. Broadleaf Books.
Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E. M., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2013). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1).
